He was so forbidden. I think that’s why I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
Cole had sparkling blue eyes and short, close-cropped blond hair. He had an easy smile that never failed to melt my heart. He was tall, much taller than my 5’8″. He was lean but built, a swimmer’s body.
He also had a girlfriend.
Her name was Robyn Knight. Her name wasn’t really spelled that way. It was actually Robin, but she “changed” it so that it was more “unique”. She was everything I was not: blonde, skinny, gorgeous, popular, rich, and most of all, she was manipulative. She and Cole had a long history of an off and on again relationship; it always “ended” each time Robyn cheated on him again. And he still took her back. Again.
It killed me each time I saw them in the halls, each time I saw Cole at swim practice. We swam on the same co-ed team. There were plenty of hot guys on my team; I had eyes only for Coe.
Each time he would get out of the pool, I would sneak a glance at his slim build, his firm, taut muscles, even though I knew I would never get to touch them the way Robyn probably did. I didn’t even earn a second glance when I wished him happy birthday, when he turned eighteen, a month after me.
The endless cycle of longing broke when I was invited to a party, the New Year’s Eve party that all of the populars attended. It was notorious for being the wildest party of the year.
It was held at Zack Purcell’s house, another popular guy from my swim team. I arrived nervous, having obsessed over my meticulously chosen outfit and makeup. The party was already in full swing, and red solo cups already littered the expensive-looking carpet. I slipped through the throngs of gyrating, alcohol-influenced bodies toward what I supposed was the kitchen.
I stepped out of the dimly lit, glitter ridden storm and into the bright kitchen. I munched on some chips, trying to calm my frazzled nerves.
I turned and Cole was the source of the voice. His speech was slurred and he stumbled coming over to me.
“Good. I see you’re enjoying the party.”
“Yeah! A bunch of us are doing some, uh, jello shots.” He burped into his hand. “S’cuse me. Wanna join?”
I debated. On the one hand, I didn’t really drink. On the other hand, it was Cole…
“I don’t know. I don’t really drink –“
“Ah, come on. Have some fun, Nat!”
“Fine,” I sighed, and let him pull me by the hand through the crowd. In a dark corner, gathered around a nondescript coffee table were a bunch of guys from the swim team, Zack, Robyn, and several girls I used to know well before they got popular.
“Hey, guys! Nat’s up for some jello shots!” The bunch cheered drunkenly. A girl and Zack did more shots. Cole passed me a shot and I balked.
“What’s in this?”
Zack piped up, “Some vodka from my parent’s liquor cabinet! It’s all good. Come on, Nat! Do it!”
I was nervous. I didn’t want to get hammered, like these guys obviously were, but I didn’t want to look like a prude in front of Cole.
They started chanting, “Nat-a-lie! Nat-a-lie!” and I finally knocked back the shot. It tasted mostly of cherry, with a slight, almost imperceptible tang of alcohol. They cheered.
I sat down on the only open spot on the couch, right next to Cole, who had Robyn on his lap. The drunken conversation was rife with sexual innuendoes, and I was glad the room was dark, because I was blushing furiously at most of them.
“Hey. Cole!” Zack yelled.
“—Yeah?” Cole slurred pendik genç escort as he peeled his face off of Robyn’s.
“Get a fuckin’ room!” the boys all jeered. I couldn’t take any more and left. I returned to the kitchen and grabbed a red cup, filling it with some beer. Better than that punch that tasted fruity but was probably spiked with something.
I sipped from my cup and munched on some chips, gathering myself. It was getting close to midnight, and everyone probably had a New Year’s Kiss. I decided I would go hide in the bathroom.
The crowds of drunken teens started counting down, and I forced my way through the crowds. I was almost to my haven, the bathroom, when New Year’s struck, and right in front of me was Cole and Robyn, faces plastered together. My face burned with shame as I tried to slip into a shadow.
Maybe it was time to leave.
The party returned to full blast. I started to make my way to the front door.
“Nat! Hey! Want some more jello shots?” Cole called from the clutch of boys and girls around that coffee table.
“Nah, I’m gonna—”
“Hey, your cup looks empty. Lemme get you some more!” Cole slurred and leapt up, extracting himself from Robyn’s equally drunken clutches. I let myself get taken to the kitchen again.
He stayed with me in the kitchen, leaning against the counter.
“Whaddaya think of the party? Fun, huh?”
“Yeah. I haven’t gotten on the dance floor yet, though.
“Heard you have pretty good moves… how bout you demonstrate them?” he winked.
I laughed nervously and we put down our drinks and elbowed our way into the horde of gyrating hips and moving arms.
I got into the groove, and I did have pretty good moves, as Cole so eloquently put it. I lost my inhibitions to the music, letting Cole grind up against me. I knew it was wrong, that he had a girlfriend, yadda yadda yadda… but my judgment was loose with alcohol and his body was right there. I could feel his heat against me, something I thought I would never feel.
The party started winding down after a while. I wondered why Robyn wasn’t trying to find Coe, until I realized she had passed out on the couch.
We finally found a place to sit down that wasn’t covered in either booze or sleeping bodies. We sat on a couch, squeezed between a snoring girl with smeared mascara and a guy with a case of the hiccups.
I was half on his lap, trying to touch him the least amount. Even through my buzz, I knew that getting involved with Cole right now was bad, and he probably didn’t even really like me.
Cole grinned and put an arm around me, tugging me closer. I felt my heart respond, my breathing come faster.
“You’re a really good dancer, Nat. Some of those moves were pretty sexy…”
I tried to tell myself it was only the booze talking.
“You’re really sexy…”
That had to be the booze talking.
Cole shifted closer to me, pressing his body closer. It felt forbidden on so many levels. He had a girlfriend. He was drunk, for crying out loud. But he leaned in, and pressed his lips to mine.
He was a really good kisser, considering he was drunk. I could taste a little of the beer and jello shots on his lips. His heat pressed to me and I gave in to the kiss, wrapping my body around his.
Until I saw Robyn’s sleeping form out of the corner of my eye. If she saw us, there would be hell to pay. I pulled away, putting my arms between our two chests.
“No, pendik evi olan escort Cole, no.”
“But, you seemed to be into it before…” He moved in again and I pushed him back, stronger this time.
“You’re dating Robyn. And you’re hammered drunk. This isn’t right. I’m not gonna be the other girl.”
“Come on, she won’t see–“
“No!” I said with as much finality as I could muster and pulled myself reluctantly out of his clutches.
I hurried to the door, grabbed my coat, and stepped out into the chill air before I could change my mind.
The next day in the hall, I was nervous. Whenever I saw Robyn, I turned around and walked the other way. My brain knew that she didn’t know, but I still felt shame. How could I have kissed another girl’s boyfriend?
I spun around and there was Cole, all tall and blonde and blue-eyed. I felt the usual flutter in my chest, but that was squashed by my embarrassment. I clutched my textbooks to my chest.
“Look, I’m really sorry about what happened at the party…”
“It’s okay,” I said hurriedly turned away. I never was good at talking to cute boys.
“No, wait—” he started to say, and then the bell rung, reminding us of the time. “Look, we both have to get to class… meet me at Starbucks later?”
That sounded suspiciously like a date, but I agreed anyway. No harm in getting a coffee… right?
After school, I walked to Starbucks with apprehension in my veins. There was no telling what would happen. I walked in the door, into the café that bustled with activity. This was where everyone with time hung out after school.
I saw Cole and waved. We got our coffees and sat down at a table. I wrapped my fingers around my warm cup. I clung to it, making it my security blanket.
“Look, I really am sorry. I shouldn’t have made you so uncomfortable.”
“Cole, really. It’s fine.” It wasn’t; it had unnerved me. I wanted another taste of him that I knew I couldn’t have. “We were both drunk. It was a mistake.”
I got up. It was time for us to walk to swim practice. The pool we practiced at was within walking distance, and we regularly walked, just not together. He rose, too. We tossed our cups in the trash. I threw mine in just a little too hard.
“I can tell that it’s not fine, Nat.”
The cool air hit my face, reminding me that what happened wasn’t real. We walked toward the pool. We were alone, except for the cars rushing past in the street.
“It wasn’t really a mistake. Robyn’s—”
“Sleeping with someone else. Again. You need to dump her Cole, she’s not good for you.”
“She gave me a second chance after I cheated on her with Emilie.”
“That was in seventh grade, Cole. You’ve been giving her third, fourth, fifth chances. Why are you still with her?”
No answer. We walked in silence. I let the silence grow into tension. Give him something to think about.
We paused outside the doors into the pool. He reached out to touch my arm, and I pulled away. I was angry at him for playing with my feelings.
“Figure out what’s going on in that relationship of yours, Cole.”
I walked away from him, angry at myself and at him. Why did feelings have to be so complicated?
Practice was filled with tension-charged glances. I tried desperately not to look at him, but every time I relented, he was looking at me, staring at me. It was unnerving.
After swim practice, Cole and I stood in the pendik olgun escort dark, awkward silence stretching between us.
“What?” I cut him off, a little too bitterly. Why couldn’t he see what was right in front of him?
“Nat, I feel something here. I know that what I have with Robyn is confusing, and maybe–“
“Maybe what? I can be your mistress? A little something on the side?” I could see, even through the dark, that I had hurt him. “I’m sorry. It’s just I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn’t deal with this kind of drama.”
“Natalie, you’re not denying that there’s something here.”
“Cole, it was probably the booze.”
“Well, why don’t we test that,” he said softly and kissed me, tenderly at first. His lips felt like velvet, smooth across mine. I tasted his lips without the tang of alcohol, and they tasted great.
I got swept up in the kiss despite myself. How could something so wrong feel so right? His arm slipped around my waist and pulled me closer. I was so close, I could feel his lugs expand and his heart pump in his chest. My veins flooded with adrenaline. Was it chemistry? His tongue brushed my lips, an invitation for more.
But I pulled away. I knew kissing him was wrong, but it felt so good, like it should be right.
“You have to stop doing that, Cole.”
There was a heady silence. I tried to catch my breath.
“But there was something,” he said softly. “I could feel it. Don’t deny it, Natalie.”
“Cole. Do you want to be with me?”
“But, Robyn — I don’t know.”
“Before I get into anything with you, Robyn has to be out of the picture.”
“I’m not going to be the dirty mistress, Cole!”
My ride arrived and I fled the scene, feelings whirling within me. The boy I fantasized about for so long was begging for me, but this was never how I imagined it.
I returned home and ate dinner. I could hardly do my homework for thinking about that kiss. When I went to bed, I shut my door and turned out my lights early.
I thought about him, his hands on my body, my chest close to his. My heartbeat picked up and I dreamed about it going farther. He would kiss me at a party, like before. I would kiss him back and he would lead me to a bedroom, any bedroom. He would kiss me; we would tear our clothes off. His hands would touch me, all over my body.
My hands drifted over my body, like I fantasized his would do. I reached underneath my sleep shirt, as I imagined his undo my bra and touch my breasts. I stroked my nipples, flicking and rolling them, imagining his big hands doing that, his blue eyes looking into mine.
My hands drifted to my crotch, caressing the soft hairs there. I imagined him, his broad form, every chiseled muscle. I bit my lip, but let out no sound; I had long ago mastered the art of masturbating silently.
I rubbed my clitoris, softly, letting my juices run. I imagined his fingers, the ones that clasped me close only hours before, do the same. I felt a wash of pleasure. I smiled into the dark of my room.
I slipped a finger into my pussy, dripping with juices. In my mind, his did too. They pleasured me softly, and I imagined calling out his name. I imagined his face over mine, the lower to lick me and finger me at the same time. My fingers moved in a blur over my clitoris, so fast I had to stop for a moment, because they were sore.
I felt so close. I knew my orgasm was just around the corner, so I backed off, holding myself just below the peak. Then the image flashed in my mind of his eyes looking into mine just before he kissed me, and I couldn’t hold back. My orgasm rushed out of me like a mighty dam breaking.
I laid in my bed, staring at my dark ceiling. I curled up on my side and imagined Cole’s arms around me, spooning me as, in my mind, we fell asleep under the same covers.