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My Thoughts on Handjobs

Adorable

“If days of the week were raunchy sex acts, Monday would undoubtedly be a dry, passionless, handjob…”

I started drinking young and it wasn’t uncommon for me and my friends to hang out by the liquor store in the strip mall down in Riverbend to try and get someone to buy us booze. Unlike most kids our age we didn’t want beer or coolers to take to a party; we were after the hard stuff – like whiskey or vodka – and we’d go up to the ridge in Lynwood, or down to Carburn Park and drink by ourselves before the parties so we didn’t have to share. By the time I was old enough I was drinking a 40oz bottle of hard liquor almost every weekend and because most of my friends had older siblings it was easy to get into college parties that were dominated by the older groups as they were held at friends’ houses while their parents were out, and if the older siblings didn’t let us attend we’d turn snitch and inform the parents what happened in their absence.

Anywhere there’s kids experimenting with alcohol – drugs weren’t far behind, and in my crowd that was primarily weed. The older crowd would find it especially funny to get us drunk or high so they could watch our antics, so while others were developing and exploring their sexuality at a normal pace – doing things like playing spin the bottle – I was hanging out with a group who were having sex or doing drugs and they weren’t shy about it. I was at a party that Decklun’s older brother was hosting at their house – there was a death in his family and his parents were out of town for the weekend. We didn’t get over to Decklun’s place until late so by the time we got to the party we found a group of about fifteen people who were heavily intoxicated or high; playing a game of truth or dare.

Me and Decklun immediately asked if they had any hard liquor for us, or even beer as we were dead sober and desperate – but Decklun’s older brother (Elliot) said we could only have booze if we “earned it”. Ok in the past this usually meant showing his friends how big a bong hit we could take, then doing a stupid task like streaking thru the park so we agreed – but little did we realize we would be the ONLY focus of their dares. It was Elliots turn to pick the next person to choose between truth or dare, so he selected one of his male friends who decided he’d take a dare – but Elliot announced that instead of the older party-goers doing dares they got to pick between me and Decklun, and could make us do something stupid so we could earn some booze…

“Ok I dare the big one (me; at 6’5 I was bigger than most the older guys at the party) to go on someone’s lawn and drop his pants – mooning the house while Decklun rings the doorbell… he’s not allowed to move until someone comes out to yell at him” he announced. WOW – Talk about an uncreative dare… me showing my ass was no big deal; especially to strangers! I knew that I could knock this out quickly so I got up to go outside and the party followed. With the festivities successfully moved outdoors I got the guy who issued the dare to pick a house and I did exactly as I was instructed. Everyone had a good laugh, then we started going back down the street to return to the house but one of the girls decided she wanted to dare Decklun to strip naked – so he had to walk the rest of the way home in his birthday suit. Decklun was much like me and lacked shame; so he accepted the dare without hesitation and disrobed.

The older kids were getting a kick out of using us as their puppets, so as soon as we arrived back at the house Elliot poured us both generous drinks and he asked the group who was going next – but not before telling Decklun to get dressed because the little guy was so focused on getting drunk he hadn’t bothered putting his clothes back on when we got to the house. One of the guys decided for this turn me and Decklun had to take the biggest hoot possible off of the glass water-bong, then wrestle each other while holding the smoke in our lungs; first person to pin the other gets a drink. Elliot packed a bowl and we smoked as instructed, then we started wrestling in the middle of the living-room. Right out of the gate I grabbed Decklun by the hips then took him to the ground quite aggressively; causing him to exhale when he impacted the floor, and as soon as the smoke came out of Decklun’s mouth one of the girls yelled “PARTY FOUL; The big guy wins!” Then everyone laughed as Elliot poured me a drink and offered Decklun a hoot off the bong as a consolation prize.

“Ok, I dare your brother to motorboat Lisa for ten seconds…” one of the girls yelled out (Jesus how is that even a dare? Any guy in the room would love to do that!) Without even a second of hesitation Decklun hopped up from his seat, then asked what girl was Lisa; once the target was identified Decklun enthusiastically dove between her tits and motor-boated her for like a minute – he was so enamoured that Lisa had to push him off to end the turn! Decklun’s antics got a great reaction from the crowd, so as eryaman arabaya gelen escortlar everyone was laughing and cheering Elliot poured him a drink. It was now my turn to do something and I was getting the feeling it was going to be another lame dare because a few of the guys were in a little huddle, and they looked like their combined IQ was equivalent to their shoe size!

“Ok, I dare the big guy to play the rest of the game in his boxers, BUT, he also has to motorboat Lisa; then Lisa has to tell us who did it better…” (So this dude might be as bright as Alaska in December, but he was now officially my hero, and my new favorite person at the party!) I had zero hesitation pulling off my shirt, then I dropped my pants before making my way over to Lisa to stick my head between those perfect tits that were calling me to them like a sirens song calls ships to the rocks!

I was eager to start my turn, and I did my best to outdo Decklun as I rubbed my face on Lisa’s chest until she ended my onslaught by pushing me off. Elliot immediately asked; “So, who was better?”

Lisa thought about it for a minute but ultimately she pointed to over to Decklun. “What!? How was his better?” I asked; protesting the decision.

“He used his tongue… and his turn was more gentle” Lisa explained.

“Well shit; I didn’t know that we were allowed to use our tongues – I’ve been training for a situation like that my whole life!” I exclaimed as I was trying to justify my lacking performance – it’s true I was proud of my oral skills; some people could tie cherry stems with their tongues – well I could solve Rubix cubes!

“Ok, I’ll give you BOTH one more chance, but this time it’s a contest to see who can give me the sexiest performance on my chest and neck! You’ve gotta try turning me on by using only your mouths… but your buddy has to strip down to his boxers as well because I want some eye candy… sound fair?” Lisa asked, and suddenly all the other guys were wishing they were in our shoes.

I don’t think Lisa had finished her sentence before Decklun dropped his pants, then peeled off his shirt to conform to the request. “What do we get if we win?” Decklun inquired – expecting to be told how many drinks the winner received after.

“Hmmm… how about a handjob? If you do a good enough job… and you get me nice and turned on; I’ll give the winner a handjob…” Lisa declared (causing the crowd to cheer).

“Out here?” I asked – the words just kinda slipped out; I didn’t really care where it was, or if people were watching.

“No stupid, I’ll take the winner down to a bedroom or the bathroom to do it; wherever they prefer!” Lisa replied; like this should be common knowledge – I don’t know… maybe this was common practice at parties with older crowd but It was definitely a first for me!

“Oh I definitely prefer the bedroom over the bathroom; I’ll take the handjob in there!” I declared; being my typical mix of smart ass and cocky!

Decklun was the first up to bat and the group decided that this round would have a time limit of one minute each. I was surprised to see that Decklun was wasting a lot of his time showing off and giving Lisa what could only be described as a lap dance before someone yelled out telling him this was about turning Lisa on, and not just making her laugh! So Decklun focused, and he started tracing his tongue on Lisas neck as he pulled the front of her shirt down so he could better access her chest. Once Decklun put the necessary focus into his task Lisa started moaning, then she brought her hands up to play with her tits and push them up into Decklun’s face; but the crowd was soon calling the end to the minute, so Decklun stepped away as he graciously wished me luck.

Being excited for my turn I took up my position on Lisa’s ample chest, and unlike my competition I didn’t waste any of my time on theatrics – mainly because my dancing would look like a full body dry heave! I started tracing my tongue up Lisas neck, then continued up to her ears where she allowed it for a minute before pushing my head back down. I pulled her shirt down (much like Decklun did) but I was extremely focused and I used my tongue to drive Lisa absolutely nuts as I was determined to make up for my lacking first performance! Lisa was enjoying my tongue so much that by the time the minute expired she had her hands interlaced in my hair and she was holding my head while breathing quite heavily, and she was visibly flushed…

As soon as I pulled myself away from Lisa’s bountiful chest I could tell that I’d won this erotic contest by the look on her face – but I wanted the official call. “So who did you have more fun with? Also, when I win do I get the handjob AND a drink; or how exactly does that work?” I inquired – and everyone started laughing.

Lisa eventually regained her faculties and she stood up as she was fixing her shirt. “I think the winner is quite obvious; do you want MY prize, OR do sincan escort bayan you want the drink?” She asked.

“Oh I’ll definitely take the handjob; I was just curious about my drink, after all I did earn it!” I replied confidently. Yeah most guys would be ecstatic to get a handjob so they’d forget about the drink; but my inner alcoholic was shining thru! Elliot poured me a drink to congratulate me, then Lisa grabbed my hand to take me down the hall and into a bedroom so she could make good on her part of the wager.

I won; I should be excited right? Well let me fill you in on a little something; this all sounds like fun – and who doesn’t enjoy getting their wiener touched? But Lisa was very drunk, and I’d only had three drinks up until this point in the evening – so I was still as sober as the Pope! To try and correct the lingering sobriety issue I slammed the drink that Elliot gave me on my way to the bedroom, but as soon as the door closed Lisa reached into my boxers and pulled my cock out so she could get down to business. The alcohol didn’t have the time it needed to kick in, and I’ll tell you something right now; getting a sober handjob is a lot like getting molested at sleep-away camp!

With my off putting sobriety at the forefront it took me forever to get hard; then despite my best efforts, or the pro-level begging, Lisa wouldn’t upgrade me from coach to first class and use her mouth! Compounding the problem of me being sober was the fact that Lisa had absolutely no technique; so the whole experience felt awkward and inappropriate – it reminded me of those episodes of the Maury Show where teenagers would give handjobs in exchange for chicken McNuggets! Needless to say, despite Lisa being extremely attractive – and me having the libido of a team boy who’d just recently discovered free porn sites with a high speed internet connection – it took me FOREVER to cum! Under normal conditions if I cleaned myself too vigorously my cock would shoot off; so that tells you just how uncomfortable this whole encounter was…

When considering all factors I’d rate this experience a soft six out of eleven – Lisa provided service with a smile, but she lacked skill and imagination…

This has been an entertaining stroll down memory lane, but while we’re on the topic of handjobs I might as well explain why I hate them as much as I do the Toyota Prius – and to put that in perspective I’ll tell you that Tori Spelling’s Guatemalan tit job, the hole in a Walmart bathroom stall, and discounted Hamburger Helper on Kijiji are three things I’d touch with confidence before driving a Toyota Prius! The incident with Lisa was the birthplace for my disdain towards handjobs, but the distaste that boarders hate would only be fortified a few months later while on a greyhound bus in the mountains…

Our school had planned a ski trip out to lake Louise, and for some reason instead of getting the regular yellow buses that students were normally forced to travel in – the school had secured some plush greyhound buses that came complete with TV’s and a bathroom; so while the others were laughing watching a Kevin Heart movie on the onboard entertainment system (or whatever flick they were playing to occupy us on our journey) I was trying to convince the girl who was sitting beside me (Misty) to join me in the bathroom. Ok, I know what you’re thinking; “What could two people do in a greyhound bus bathroom?” and to that my reply is simple my friend; try to have sex! Me and Misty had just started dating and our relationship was so fresh that we hadn’t found an opportunity to hit the lab to see how our sexual chemistry was; so when this blessing disguised as a school trip was literally dropped in my lap I decided to do what every young man does when he’s dating a girl who has the body of a woman – beg her for sex!

Misty was a sexually adventurous girl. I knew this from partying with her, and her promiscuity was a big part of the draw I had towards her; so I figured if I had the balls to ask, Misty would hop at the chance for a little fun! Unfortunately Misty didn’t find my suggestion as romantic (or endearing) as I thought it was, and she shot me down quite abruptly; so naturally my plan B was to try and plea my case, and hopefully change her mind… or wear her down with my unrelenting arguments defending my request. James was sitting in the seats directly in front of Misty and I, so he overheard my plea and the ensuing negotiations to at least get a pee-pee touch out of my travel companion – when like any good friend he decided to be co-counsel and chime in. James suggested we turn our little dispute into a bet;

“If Cory wins you’ve gotta give him a blowjob in the bathroom, but if you win Cory will eat you out!” James proposed; trying to make his suggestion sound fair – when in reality both of those situations I’d consider a strong win on my side!

Misty always had a fairly competitive streak, so instead of shooting the suggestion down gölbaşı sınırsız escort she said; “Ok, we will get a neutral third party to ask the both of us a trivia question; if I win you have to finger blast me, if I lose I’ll give you a handjob in the bathroom!”

No sweeter words could have come from her mouth because I figured once I got her into the bathroom and things got sexual – it would be easy to get my dick wet. I gladly accepted the modified terms of her bet, and because James brokered the deal he started looking around the bus – trying to find someone smart that could ask us the trivia question and he eventually decided on Ellen. “Hey Ellen; we need a trivia question to settle a dispute, what do you have?” James yelled out. Ellen thought about it for a minute, then she yelled back; “How many points does the maple leaf on the Canadian flag have?”

I glanced over to Misty and I could tell by the worried look on her face that she didn’t know the answer and was trying to count the points in her head, but my purple headed yogurt slinger was starting to tingle in anticipation of what was to come because I definitely knew the correct response. James turned to Misty and asked for her answer first because he could tell by the smile on my face that I knew how many points it had…

“Umm… Shit, I should know this… I think there are nine points!” Misty said quite nervously. James then turned to me and asked me for my answer;

“Ohh you are SOOO close babe; there are actually eleven points on the Canadian maple leaf!” I said with confidence (and peppered cockiness). James turned back to Ellen so she could confirm it was correct, then turned back to congratulate me as we all had a good laugh.

“No fair; best out of three?” Misty protested – trying to snake out of our little bet.

“Hey you said ONE trivia question; not best out of three – I earned this fair and square!” I whined as I was desperately trying to enforce the terms of our agreement.

Misty was a really good sport so after a bit of teasing she finally conceded. “OK; but we can’t BOTH get up and go into the bathroom together because everyone will notice; so you go in first and get yourself hard, then I’ll come join you in a few minutes to finish the job off!”

I know up until this point in the story I seem like I’m a chauvinistic pig that was pressuring poor young Misty into performing a sex act by putting her on the spot in front of our friends; and I’ll completely admit that I wasn’t thinking clearly because of my raging hormones, BUT before you judge me you should know that Misty was extremely aggressive when it came to sexual situations. In fact that’s how she marketed herself in our circle of friends. I know as I’m recounting this memory it comes across like she was pressured into following me to the bus bathroom – because I use humour to deflect from feelings of discomfort – but honestly had I given her an exit opportunity she would have called me a pussy and embarrassed me in-front of my friends. Under the oversight of peer pressure both me and Misty played hard – and we played to win – so backing down after some very public terms had been set simply wasn’t something that either of us were willing to do; because ultimately it was an ego thing on both our sides.

I had no shame showing off my body, but I was also mentally a child with the body of a man, at eighteen I was over 235lbs and 6’5 with facial hair, and because I looked mature from a young age everyone assumed that I had all kinds of sexual experience; when in reality I was just trying to maintain my “image” as a player, or bad boy, and any kid who’s ever been to college knows one great universal truth; image is everything

Now that we’ve cleared that up; back to the Greyhound – having been given my marching orders I sprung up from my seat and made my way to the bathroom that was almost directly behind where we were sitting. Once inside the bathroom I took a quick piss, then washed my face with loads of cold water before I closed the lid on the toilet. Feeling confident and clean I let my pants fall to the floor so I could sit on the toilet and prep myself for Misty’s arrival. I wasted no time pulling my dick out of my boxers thru the fly, then I started thinking about all the dirty (romantic) things I wanted to do to Misty while I had her in the privacy of the bathroom – because in my mind handjob was secret code for “with my vagina?” It didn’t take long for my soldier to be standing at full attention, then suddenly the bathroom door opened and Misty was standing there staring at me while I stroked the length of my cock. I wasn’t fazed that she still had the door open and others could see I was jerking off; I was just sitting there running my hand up and down my cock at a medium pace – with a huge smile on my face…

“Are you ready?” I inquired, and broke Misty out of the trance she was in while staring at my engorged dick as this was the first time she’d seen it.

“Oh, Yeah!… Stand up; there’s not enough room in here for me to get down in front of you” Misty demanded; as she tried to squeeze into the tiny bathroom. I got up and sat over on the sink, then kicked off my shoes and pants so Misty could take my seat on the toilet and we’d be in a comfortable position to get this task underway.

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