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Have fun with Chapter 10!
Okay, well… This had not gone exactly the way I’d planned it.
There I was, world-famous actor and child star, two-times winner of Hollywood’s “Rising Talent Award”, sitting in front of the guy that caused a complete 180 on all of my expectations for romance, love, future relationships etcetera. I had basically just confessed the deepest feelings I’ve ever had for a person, to that same person. And I was… crying.
What a fucking joke.
My original plan was to drag this confession out over the course of the week. Both to get Leo to confess his feelings for me first and test the water, so that I could be a hundred percent certain that he’d reciprocate. And to give myself a little more time to get accustomed to the idea. You know, to gradually get used to being in love with him.
It’d be a shame if I had come out to my friends and family only to realize that I had no chance with Leo after all, right?
I had planned on teasing him, dropping hints, a little flirting. To play the charming, stereotypical, alluring celebrity card, and to keep all my other cards close to my chest. It was a good plan. Ayden had even approved when I called him and told him about it. “As long as it’s only a week man. Don’t mess it up, after that first week you’ll have to tell him. If you don’t he might just think you’re playin’ and you’ll have fucked it up.”
Well, I guess he’ll be happy with this outcome then. I didn’t even last one damn dinner.
As I said, what a joke.
But I really couldn’t help it. The moment Leo started to ask me about a supposed new girl in my life, whether I’d gotten frisky with anyone after my break-up with Caytlin. I just started spewing and couldn’t bring myself to stop. Leo seemed to be as surprised as I was about all the things I said about this “girl”. Some of them were pretty intense.
I mean, “her perfect body that I want to see so badly in person that I struggle not to rip her clothes off when I’m too close” man, where the hell did that come from? I wasn’t even aware that I could say something like that, let alone feel it. Leo brought it out in me, I guess. In the moment I’d thought that I could still apply this whole rambling nonsense to my plan and use it to my advantage. To make Leo think I was infatuated with someone new, someone else. But when I started talking about her being my best friend and all that, and I saw that comment went down the wrong way with him, I gave in.
I couldn’t stand the hurt and betrayal in his voice when he told me about his feelings for me. How hard he had tried to keep them from me. How much he’d wanted to keep things professional between us, for both our sakes. And that he had settled for being my best friend if he really couldn’t have anything more. I understood him so well, it hurt. It hurt that I’d hurt him.
So yeah I fucking cried. So what? It happens.
‘What the fuck does that mean?!’
‘H-huh?’ I stuttered, wiping away the tear that was streaking down my cheek with the back of my hand.
‘Am I your best friend or not?’ Leo asked, hesitantly and exasperated. His phone rang, but he ignored it completely. He was confused, hurt and angry, shit. I actually hoped that this would somehow turn into our first romantic moment. Guess not. ‘Look Con, I’m sorry.. I think I need some air.’ His phone had stopped ringing. And it was more silent now than it was before it had started. He pushed back his chair and made to leave. No wait!
‘No wait! Leo hold on. You don’t get it!’ I exclaimed. He stared at me, the frustrated look in his eyes made me shiver a little. For multiple reasons.
‘What’s there to get?’ he sat down with a sigh. ‘I slipped up, I shouldn’t have allowed these feelings to compromise our professional relationship, nor do I have any reason to be angry at you for not considering me as your best friend. I just thought… I just thought I was. It felt like that.’ He looked down at his plate, probably scrolling through his memories and trying to find the exact moment where his feelings had pivoted. I was in a daze, not sure how to better explain that I considered this night a date, and not a work-related pretense dinner. ‘In any case, it’s not your fault Connor. It’s mine. And I apologise, it’s unfair of me to be angry with you when this is all just my personal shit. Just let me get some air it’s not a big deal, okay? I’ll be back in a few minutes.’
The hell you will. I panicked. If I let him walk now, that would mean that he’d be getting the wrong idea. Completely the wrong idea! And then, how could I tell him that I actually was talking about him when I was talking about my feelings for some girl? After he got back in his seat?! Ayden had warned me that such a thing could mean he’d take it the wrong way denizli escort even more than he had already. That it would make it even worse! And I didn’t want him to think I was just toying with him, because I wasn’t. This was real.
By the time I figured that out Leo had risen from his seat and walked halfway across the restaurant, on his way to the balcony.
I couldn’t help it. And I didn’t really care anymore either.
I just leaped from my seat, turned around and ran along the tables where small parties of people were still dining, looking up in surprise at me and my antics. Whispers and murmurs followed me as I got closer, Leo turned his head at the sound, looking at my approaching form in puzzlement.
Talk about movies. There was no set, no script, no cameras, no director. Nevertheless, the moment that followed was one directly copied from any romantic comedy that’s ever been written.
When I reached him I placed my left hand on the small of his back, my right hand on the side of his neck and I pulled his awed face towards mine. I didn’t hesitate, and when Leo saw I didn’t hesitate, he didn’t hesitate either. Our lips met in the middle. A gasp, a soft moan, and two arms wrapping around the small of my back pulling me closer to him. That was all it took.
He had me.
Why does it always stink so much in this place? Seriously?
So many people working hard, burning calories, building muscle, getting fit. And some of them looking very good doing it. The men mostly.
Yet for some reason, nobody is willing to let their hard work be noticed through the smell of their sweat. It reeks of a few dozen different cans of Axe instead. Such a shame.
‘One more set to failure, Stan. And give it your all, remember? I want to see you executing full range of motion, not the quickest reps you can manage.’
‘Hnngg… You’re a fucking- hmmpf.. A fucking asshole, Jeffrey.’
‘And you pay big bucks for me to be one as well.’ I grinned. ‘Now finish, shower and then you can go home and have a go at your new diet.’
‘Yeah, whoop-dee-fucking-doo. Thanks a heap, dick.’ Stan joked good-naturedly. I grinned. He was a good guy. Out of shape, but willing and determined to change. Not that he has that much of a choice, in his case it’s his health that demands a complete change of lifestyle, not a luxurious desire to look better. His heart can’t take much more sitting still and eating junk food. I admire guys like him, coming in here and choosing to go for it. To try.
That’s the whole reason that I became a personal trainer in the first place. To help people, help them with something I’m good at. Something that comes naturally to me.
Among many other things, I have Leo to thank for that as well. I struggled in college, struggled with the sudden “life-choices” that you are expected to make. Leo taught me to put those quotation marks there.
“There’s no such thing as life-choices, Jeff. By saying that you’re implying that people are actually able to make a choice of which the consequences and their desires last for a lifetime. If you can name one single person in the history of mankind that ever actually made such a choice, then I’ll allow you to be nervous about what you should choose to study in college.”
It’s like a wise old owl lives inside that boy sometimes. His love for Harry Potter led me to comparing him to Dumbledore. Not only because of his wit and intelligence, but also because there seemed to be some sort of magic about him. I nicknamed him Dumbledork in high school, even though it didn’t stick, I thought it was hilarious except for the fact that, in reality, he was the definitional opposite of a dork.
He had a way of knowing, just by looking at you, whatever was going on with you. Even if you didn’t know it yourself yet. And he always knew exactly how to help. He would have made a perfect psychologist if he’d wanted to.
“Why become a teacher, then? You’re so good at helping people when they’re stuck in their own head!”
“Because I think a good teacher can be of more value than a great psychologist. Teachers can prevent what psychologists deal with. And to be honest, I don’t really fancy becoming a psychologist either way. In my experience, most of them usually sit at the wrong end of the table.”
What that “experience” had entailed, I have no clue. He never told me, and I never brought it up. As was the norm with Leo.
Leo wasn’t an introvert, he was most definitely an extrovert. But at the same time, a loner. He was good at being alone, by himself. Used to it, for all I know. He always had good, lasting, trusted friends. Some of them were mutual friends of both of us.
That was where it ended for him though, in terms of people that were close to him. Friends. Not once had he told me about family. Parents, brothers or sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins. They were all a complete mystery to denizli escort bayan me, and to everyone else around him too as far as I knew. I had only ever once met a grandmother of his. Leo’s past, the past before I’d met him, would remain a mystery to me, that much was clear. He would have told me. If I had to ask, it usually meant it wasn’t worth asking at all. He wouldn’t tell. Sometimes he’d humour me, or try to answer a different question and avoid the one I wanted to know the answer to, but if Leo wanted go keep something to himself, he could and he would. I always respected that, simply because he would never dig into my mind in return, he’d only ask about something if I had brought it up. I wondered if I was the only one who shared that special bond with him. That still now shares that special bond with him.
After all, this was the first time we literally shared a secret like that. A problem. So I’m wary. Will we still be the same after this? A friendly ear to each other, someone to bounce things off of? And someone who wouldn’t mind knowing that I didn’t want to show all my cards?
Because now, now he had left me, and everything behind him. Everything I thought I knew about him. His very own “life-choices” that he’d told me about. All his wishes, hopes and dreams. He had just abandoned all of it, as far as I knew. He’d never talked about wanting to become an actor. Why? He’d always helped me and everyone else to unveil and follow their own dreams. However, apparently he had never entrusted anyone with his own. Or so Julia had told me. That’s what confused me.
Because of our strange relationship I understood he’d never relayed all of that to me, but she didn’t know either. Nor did any of his close friends, she told me. It’s why she’d called me in the first place… to ask if I knew. All of this is why I now doubt everything he’s ever told me. Not only about himself, but about me. Did he really help me, really care about me as I cared about him?
How long had he been gone now? A day? Twelve hours? Less? And already it was taking it’s toll on me. His presence. It’s as if I need him to be close by for all those pieces of advice he’d given me to stick. I needed him around to be reassured.
Like I said, it’s like magic almost. I thought as I collected my gear and swung my towel around my neck.
Pft, yeah. Magic my arse.
I miss him, that’s all. I fucking miss him. It’d been a bad idea to approach him that last time. If we hadn’t had sex I think I wouldn’t have missed him as much now. And he wouldn’t have had to deal with an STD. Courtesy of good ol’ Jeff. Free of charge.
I can’t help feeling so damn guilty. That was the last thing he needed, obviously. Of course Leo had said it was nothing, had comforted me, and brushed the whole thing off like a speck of dust on his shoulder. I wouldn’t have expected anything else.
It still just didn’t sit right with me. Because how could I know he’d meant that?
Hell, what am I whining about? I probably deserve that uncertainty for being the reckless fucker I am.
Maybe I should call him again though. For good measure. Check if he’s doing okay, and make sure he’s handling it? It’s almost 11:00 PM here. That means it’s almost ten in London. He’d be awake still.
I dialed his number, which I knew by heart, and sat down on a bench leaning my back against the wall. I waved Stan goodbye as I listened to the beep, waiting for Leo to pick up. Which he didn’t.
I sighed, putting my phone in my sports bag and swinging it over my shoulder. I’ll try again tomorrow.
I made my way over to the personnel’s private locker-room and showers when I suddenly tripped over some guy who had apparently chosen that exact moment to suddenly stretch out his calves and hamstrings against a bench-press right in front of where I was walking.
He caught me with surprising agility and speed before I hit the ground.
‘Dude, what the hell? Can’t you use your eyes and stretch at the same time?’ I scolded as I made to stand up straight again. I was annoyed that he’d driven me out of my train of thought. ‘And by the way, you aren’t even supposed to use the bench-press to stretch. The rules are very clear, I need to make a note of this. What’s your na-‘ I shut up when I was face to face with him, a little caught off guard. We were almost exactly the same height. He looked like he worked out regularly, yet I had never noticed him in here before. The keywords being “in here”. Because I did recognise him… vaguely.
Those eyes. So blue, not quite like Leo’s but lighter. A baby blue. Innocent and expecting. Pure. I’d seen him before somewhere. A party maybe? At Leo’s or Julia’s? But what was his name?
Danny? Barry? Willy?
‘Uhm… I-I’m Billy. Billy Whitaker.’
‘Fuck, I can’t believe this is actually fucking happening.’ Connor’s husky voice breathed into my mouth as we kissed. Both of his hands escort denizli were fisted in the front of my shirt and the top buttons I had so consciously buttoned up during our dinner were now wide open again, along with all the other ones. I felt my back push into the railing of the lift as we sped up to our floor. Connor’s tongue forced it’s way into my mouth, and I gladly accepted. He moaned when my hands tickled slowly up and down his sides and I bit his bottom lip teasingly, I moaned right back.
In a few seconds we would be stumbling out of the small space, through the hallway into my hotel room, or his. I remembered his was closer, so it would probably be his, then. No doubt that the moment we’d enter, he would lock the door, turn around and smirk that playful smile of his and I would come undone, along with all of our clothes. We would surely be naked long before we’d even reach the bedroom.
And what then? Me kissing my way down his glorious torso, inching towards his undoubtedly equally glorious package? Or him doing the same to me? My mouth around his cock, trying desperately to make him want me even more than he clearly already did? Or him doing it to me? My fingers replacing my tongue to open him up even further after I had rimmed him to the point where he would thrash around and beg for me to enter him? Or him, driving me into that same state of utter pleasure?
It was almost impossible for me to think about anything else, or to even consider not to do all of those things, and so much more once that familiar *Ding* of the lift would announce our arrival. I knew that I had not wanted anything, anything more in my life in that moment. And certainly nothing in the world could possibly convince me to refrain from it all.
Nothing but that annoying, pestering, irritating fucking voice in the back of my mind that kept singing “STD, STD, STD.”
A turn-off if ever I had one.
I wanted to, I wanted to make Connor mine so badly. To give myself to him in return. Finally. But I couldn’t do that to him. I could never risk it, with anyone and least of all him. Not after the confession he’d just made about his feelings for me. Hell, not after the confession I had just made.
I could never in a million years endanger him in any way. What I felt for him ran so deep, so much deeper than all the wonderful things I imagined could have happened that night. There would be other nights. Another first night, I’d make sure of that. But not until I knew for sure that I was perfectly clean and couldn’t give Connor anything more than he deserved.
Just how the fuck was I going to tell him that?
I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell him I might or might not have Chlamydia. That definitely didn’t strike me as a particularly nice conversation after what had just happened.
Besides, now that we finally did get together, I suddenly felt ten times worse about sleeping with Jeffrey in the first place. When Connor kissed me in the restaurant, realisation hit me, among other things. All of a sudden everything was so clear. The entire build-up to that first kiss just now. We had spent the last month or so pining for each other relentlessly. All those tiny little hints and signs that he’d cast my way. I had been too scared to acknowledge them for what they clearly were. And Connor had been afraid to do the same. His endless talk about feelings, relationships, love and Caytlin made sense now. His delving into my own thoughts on all of those subjects.
To a third party we must have looked completely ridiculous, entirely missing the point of everything we told and showed each other. He even broke up with his damn girlfriend. Granted, he’d wanted to do that before he met me. But I wasn’t stupid enough not to understand that his feelings for me had something to do with it. That, were it not for me, they might very well still be together.
And I was ecstatic. Over the moon that we’d been feeling the same way all this time.
Because of that, considering all of this in a matter of seconds made me feel like an absolute unworthy manwhore. Connor had spent these last weeks trying to get out of a toxic relationship, probably keeping it in his pants during all of it, never once even thinking about touching his girlfriend or anyone else. His eagerness in this moment proved that point. He had clearly not touched another living soul since he’d met me.
And there I’d been, being a coward, shying away from my feelings and trying to drown them in Jeffrey’s asshole.
I felt dirty.
I felt miserable.
I felt like a cheater.
‘M-me neither,’ I gulped ‘B-but Con. Connor.’
I was rather good at improvising. Doing it when Connor’s lips were travelling up and down my neck however proved to be more difficult.
‘Mmhm.. what?’ He whispered seductively in my ear, before biting down. A small whimper escaped me.
‘I j-just think we should.. We should uhm… take our t-time, a little.’ My voice sounded pathetically wanton to my own ears. I’d never felt like this before. It was as if every fibre of my being gravitated towards him. We were human magnets. So you can imagine how much willpower it took me when I slightly push him away from me. The dazed look on Connor’s face turned into a confused one.